Lately I have felt my life spiraling out of control. I wish it were easy but there's no possibility for life to be easy. I feel like I am lying to so many people when I talk about how great my life is and how I love my life. Don't get me wrong, the path I am on, career wise, is exactly where I want to be.....but emotionally, I have lost all sense of reality. I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned by so many people and hung out to dry..... Today my dad told me that if I were to ever do anything to myself, one way or another, I would not be his responsibility anymore. He thought that maybe it would keep me from thinking about doing anything and I told him that it makes me think opposite of him. It made me feel like he didn't care what becomes of me. Granted, he explained himself and how he does care but that he is at peace with the decisions I make. It doesn't make anything easier. I feel an inch high when I talk with them and like I can never do anything right. Maybe I've held on to my past far too long and have brought my emotions towards my birth family into these relationships but I just have such a hard time with everything and no one seems to understand.....not even counselors. All these people are trying to "fix" me in all ways but the one I really need help with. EMOTIONALLY, I am broken. And the disorder I was diagnosed with is excluded by insurance....my counselor that I had for a few years isn't taking new patients so as much as my parents want me back with her, I can't. I can't express my emotions without being belittled and I highly doubt that God wants anything to do with me anymore. No one else does........
"I keep looking for comfort from you
I sit and wonder if your love is true
You see me crying
Inside you have to know I'm dying
Don't you see these tears
Don't you see the hurt from so many years
The little girl that was hurt so bad
Is now 20 years old and utterly sad
No one to listen or even to talk to
Recalling memories that hurt me through and through
The things you ask of me
It triggers a memory
Memories I'd rather forget
Memories embedded in my mind, completely set
The hurt, the pain and anger won't go away
I wonder who "loves me" and will turn their back today
I can't explain how I feel inside
Feelings of abandonment rush in like the tide
Ghosts haunt me no matter where I go
I do love you still, that you should know
I wish you could understand
I would be there holding your hand
I would take away all your pain
So in the end, you'd have a life to gain
But for me, darkness is all I see
No happiness for this little girl is to be
The adult lives her life
Taking on happiness, sorrow and strife
I hope someday you'll understand
Someday I hope you'll be here to comfort me and hold my hand
Until that day all I feel is punishment
Along with those never-ending feelings of abandonment"
