A Wounded Heart

Often times, your mind and heart can be changed through the situation you have found yourself in by way of Christ. Recently, I lost my grandfather on my mom's side. It was a hard blow as the last time we talked, I didn't get a chance to truly thank him for everything he had talked to me about over Christmas break. I found myself at a funeral during my last week of my first rotation of student teaching. It was even harder to come back to Arkansas as if the visit had been a normal one. As is the way of life, things got back into a routine for me and my family. And soon, I found myself preparing for my college graduation. I had done it. I had finished my undergraduate degree program and was preparing to head home with my family. Not knowing how this break would start, proceed, or end, I proceeded with caution to avoid offending or saying things that would hurt others. For a while, I have asked God to change my heart, to make me see through His eyes all that my parents (and especially my mom) had done for me with new clarity. Time after time, my vision remained clouded with my own thoughts and feelings. I wondered why God wasn't coming through for me. Why wasn't He changing my heart so that my relationship with my parents would start to improve? It took more than a while for me to realize the answer. About a week ago, I started taking care of a woman in my church who had recently had a stroke. Watching what she could do and helping her with what she can't opened my eyes up more than I thought this simple job would. So often we (and I really mean me) take for granted all of our abilities and what our loved ones are capable of until one day, they aren't there or can't do those things anymore. As I lay in my room at night, processing the events of the day, I am left thinking about my mom in particular. A few days ago, I was left wounded by a conversation with my mom. And it was in no way because of her. I was wounded because what she said was a direct hit from God to get me to wake up and realize that I wasn't TRULY wanting my heart changed. The only reason I was asking Him to change my heart was so that I could get what I wanted out of my relationship with my mom, but not put in the love, encouragement, and blessing she needs from the relationship. Too often, I have found myself blaming her for my pitfalls or my past when she has had nothing to do with them, other than try to give me a better future. Each night since, I have prayed specifically for my mom....to encourage her, lift her up, and for God's hand to be on her always. I also ask God to show me what I can do for her each day to show my appreciation for all she has done for me. While it has taken a lot longer than it should have, my wounded heart is beginning to change because I want it to for the way God sees fit. Wounds can be healed if they are not ripped open at the first opportunity. And while I have caused many a wound in my mom, it's time to cause the healing process to begin instead of ripping them open. I may only have a few months left to live with my parents, but it doesn't mean my relationships with them end when I move out. Hopefully, and with prayer and God, I can cause the relationships to begin to heal and continue to grow in hope and a relationship that my parents and I can be proud of. Because I have caused enough hurt and it's time to start helping them heal. No one is more deserving of loving, encouraging, and uplifting relationships than my parents. I love you mom and dad!