A Wounded Heart

Often times, your mind and heart can be changed through the situation you have found yourself in by way of Christ. Recently, I lost my grandfather on my mom's side. It was a hard blow as the last time we talked, I didn't get a chance to truly thank him for everything he had talked to me about over Christmas break. I found myself at a funeral during my last week of my first rotation of student teaching. It was even harder to come back to Arkansas as if the visit had been a normal one. As is the way of life, things got back into a routine for me and my family. And soon, I found myself preparing for my college graduation. I had done it. I had finished my undergraduate degree program and was preparing to head home with my family. Not knowing how this break would start, proceed, or end, I proceeded with caution to avoid offending or saying things that would hurt others. For a while, I have asked God to change my heart, to make me see through His eyes all that my parents (and especially my mom) had done for me with new clarity. Time after time, my vision remained clouded with my own thoughts and feelings. I wondered why God wasn't coming through for me. Why wasn't He changing my heart so that my relationship with my parents would start to improve? It took more than a while for me to realize the answer. About a week ago, I started taking care of a woman in my church who had recently had a stroke. Watching what she could do and helping her with what she can't opened my eyes up more than I thought this simple job would. So often we (and I really mean me) take for granted all of our abilities and what our loved ones are capable of until one day, they aren't there or can't do those things anymore. As I lay in my room at night, processing the events of the day, I am left thinking about my mom in particular. A few days ago, I was left wounded by a conversation with my mom. And it was in no way because of her. I was wounded because what she said was a direct hit from God to get me to wake up and realize that I wasn't TRULY wanting my heart changed. The only reason I was asking Him to change my heart was so that I could get what I wanted out of my relationship with my mom, but not put in the love, encouragement, and blessing she needs from the relationship. Too often, I have found myself blaming her for my pitfalls or my past when she has had nothing to do with them, other than try to give me a better future. Each night since, I have prayed specifically for my mom....to encourage her, lift her up, and for God's hand to be on her always. I also ask God to show me what I can do for her each day to show my appreciation for all she has done for me. While it has taken a lot longer than it should have, my wounded heart is beginning to change because I want it to for the way God sees fit. Wounds can be healed if they are not ripped open at the first opportunity. And while I have caused many a wound in my mom, it's time to cause the healing process to begin instead of ripping them open. I may only have a few months left to live with my parents, but it doesn't mean my relationships with them end when I move out. Hopefully, and with prayer and God, I can cause the relationships to begin to heal and continue to grow in hope and a relationship that my parents and I can be proud of. Because I have caused enough hurt and it's time to start helping them heal. No one is more deserving of loving, encouraging, and uplifting relationships than my parents. I love you mom and dad!

The many adventures of being a Student Intern....

All throughout college, I knew what I was studying to become....an Elementary Teacher. The first year and a half was a challenge academically, socially, and emotionally. Yet, amid all the chaos, I never gave up. During each obstacle, I wondered if God was punishing me or trying to make me give up. Through all of the trials and struggles, I have realized He has only made me stronger and more determined than ever to follow the path He has placed me on. As I reached the point of becoming a student teacher/intern, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel was finally being illuminated. It had been a long and daunting process but before long, January, 2014 had come and it was time for orientation for my student teaching semester. The semester started out wonderfully. I was thrilled to be in a kindergarten classroom and honestly, thrilled to be in my final semester of college. As the internship began, I felt like it was the best placement I could have imagined. I had a wonderful cooperating teacher, wonderful students, a wonderful support system, and I got along with the other kindergarten teachers as well. Those eight weeks went by as if it were only two weeks. The roughest part of my first rotation was when I got news my grandfather had passed away. He was a wonderful man and someone I looked up to greatly. Just this past Christmas, my parents and I had had a disagreement and I was in my grandparent's kitchen when Grandpa came up to me asking if I was sorry and wanted forgiveness. He encouraged me to talk to my mom mainly but ultimately both parents. The next day was when we left to go to our next location and I hugged Grandpa tightly and thanked him for helping me apologize and seek forgiveness. I will always remember some of his jokes with me and how kind-hearted he was. One thing he would do with me was when we would play chicken foot and I would sit next to him, he would joke telling me he thought I was cheating or looking at his dominoes. And I would sometimes pick out his 7 dominoes just to be silly and he would push them away. I drove up by myself to Oklahoma for the funeral and drove back. The drive there wasn't hard; it was the drive back. I wanted to turn around and go back to my family at Grandma's. The week after the funeral was my last week in my first rotation and I admit, I didn't want to leave. But I knew that I would be walking down the K-1 hallway at least once a day during my second rotation. And so, my second rotation began. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was making the change from kindergarten to second grade. The start was rough as I was met with some challenges. Over the course of the past few weeks, things have become a consistent schedule and I know what to expect. Spring break came a just the right time, although, I wish we were still on break. Over the break I was able to fellowship with others around Arkadelphia due to the Arkansas Spring Break through Campus Ministries. I got to know a WWII POW/MIA soldier who happened to fight in Korea as well (Just like my grandpa). I also planted a garden at a nursing home. And on the weekend, I spent my time with my family. My sister and I watched movies, talked, and had a beauty night. My mom and I had an intelligent conversation about common core and my family as a whole had a nice conversation after church on Sunday about different issues in the world over a nice home cooked meal. And now, the time has come to where there are only  26 full days of school left until graduation. The semester seems daunting and chaotic as I prepare for life in the "real world." Combine one foot in the real world, one foot at Ouachita, job searching, taking the PLT, getting certified, lesson plans, grading papers, family life, social life, and more group projects, and I am ready to be finished. However, I think I am content with staying in school and under my parents provisions as long as I can. ;) Now to prepare for senior banquet tomorrow night and finish this week. Thanks for reading!