Change- The good, the exciting, and the sad

Change affects all of us a little differently. Some take it very well. Others take it like a life altering event. And some change is that. Some change is good, while some change is difficult. Some you expect, while other change is thrust upon you. I, myself fall into a middle ground category. I take change at a gradual pace. It takes time to get used to something new or different. And if it involves relationships, it takes my emotions even longer. While saying all of this, we need to embrace change...in ourselves and in others because how else do we grow? How else are we going to spread our wings? Tonight, I was trying to work on things for school and my cat wouldn't exactly let me get my work done so now she's sitting on top of my head watching me type. This year has been a whirlwind of a ride. Some really low moments and some moments that were really good. I've gotten to attend concerts with friends and join a new church where I've met new friends. And then there were the low points where things seemed to reach the bottom. Throughout it all, I had an amazing support system. There have been fears of CHANGE that that support system will crumble beneath me but the truth is, my support system was never supposed to be built on the foundation of people. It was supposed to be built on the foundation of God. Once I realized that, The fear of the support system crumbling wasn't as scary because my support comes from God who then allows others to help carry my burden. Change is scary and there is a lot of change that will be taking place in my life and the lives of those I love and care about over the next few months. Some of the change, I am excited for the people, but am sad for myself...Anytime there is change within a relationship, things become a little sad for what you may lose.... but there's a possibility you may gain even more! With my own change.....stepping out of your comfort zone is something new and scary and exciting but is worth it in the end. I am excited to be going to Guatemala this summer and a little scared at the same time. Change is inevitable...We have to learn that it is all around us and that we can't get away from it. Every day something changes and some are minor, while others are major. What are our responses going to look like when our days, our weeks, our months, our lives change? Will we take it well, gradually, or like a life altering event? I'm still learning, as we all are, that change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's just....new.

A Year of Teaching

Wow, has a year really gone by since my last blog post?! I guess so.... It has been a wild ride to say the least. This time, a year ago, I was at home with my family for the summer. This would be the last summer I would live in my parent's house as I had just graduated college and was now on the career path. Last summer, I spent my time with family and friends celebrating mine and my sister's graduations. I worked two jobs so that I would have enough money for an apartment that fall wherever I was employed. Some of that time was spent with family in other towns. (I have come to realize how much I really like travelling.) In the span of 3 months, May-July, I went on several job interviews. My last interview in July would be the job offer I had been waiting for. The summer went by way too fast and I soon found myself in Texarkana. A new job, a new place to live, a new church, a new environment altogether was waiting for me. I just had to take hold. My parents helped me move in to my apartment and, boy, am I glad they did! They bought all my food and essential items to last me until my first real paycheck. I showed them the school and my classroom before they left that evening. I'll admit, I cried when they left. It's really hard when you leave your family for the big world the first time. I knew it was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. That Monday started professional development for my new job. I had been employed as the new third grade teacher at College Hill Elementary in Texarkana, Arkansas. Little did I know how much I was going to love this job, my new coworkers, and the kids I was going to have the privilege or teaching. Before I knew it, it was time for school to start. The first semester was rough, admittedly, but hey I have two parents who are teachers, a grandma, an aunt, several teachers to call in Arkadelphia, and a well of support in my own school. Classroom management got the best of me, as it does many new teachers. I found myself wondering if I was adequate enough to be in this career. Slowly, but surely, God reminded me why he placed me in this field. It's not by chance. Soon enough, the year started to change tides and things started getting much better. I had found myself. What made everyday special were those hugs and comments from my amazing students. Each day, no matter how much trouble they would get it, they would always talk about how great a teacher I was. By the end of the year, I could see so much change and progress in my kids that I wondered who their teacher really was. I had the opportunity to laugh and cry with my students. The school went through a big loss when one of our staff members passed away. Since I taught an older grade, we saw the emotional toll a bit more in the upper grades since they had been here longer. Even students new to CHE felt the loss because Mr. Caudle was such a light when the students arrived and left for the day. Some of them clung to me; others clung to their friends, while still others kept their tears to themselves. Days passed on and the classroom felt more like a family as the year came to a close. Many of the students asked every day how they could help me pack up the classroom for summer. They have such big hearts and it was clear everyday. On the last day of school, one of my colleagues was crying as one of her students was crying about leaving. One of my students asked "Ms. Himes, do you cry everyday when we leave?" I replied, "Not everyday,but I will today after you leave." These children became more than my students, more than a test score, much more than a paycheck....These children became mine. I love them and will forever support them in whatever way I can. My first year of teaching was, indeed, the hardest....but it was also the most rewarding yet. I look back on pictures and memories of my first year in 3rd grade and I smile because I have more positive memories than negative! I will always remember my first students!
Until next time...

A Wounded Heart

Often times, your mind and heart can be changed through the situation you have found yourself in by way of Christ. Recently, I lost my grandfather on my mom's side. It was a hard blow as the last time we talked, I didn't get a chance to truly thank him for everything he had talked to me about over Christmas break. I found myself at a funeral during my last week of my first rotation of student teaching. It was even harder to come back to Arkansas as if the visit had been a normal one. As is the way of life, things got back into a routine for me and my family. And soon, I found myself preparing for my college graduation. I had done it. I had finished my undergraduate degree program and was preparing to head home with my family. Not knowing how this break would start, proceed, or end, I proceeded with caution to avoid offending or saying things that would hurt others. For a while, I have asked God to change my heart, to make me see through His eyes all that my parents (and especially my mom) had done for me with new clarity. Time after time, my vision remained clouded with my own thoughts and feelings. I wondered why God wasn't coming through for me. Why wasn't He changing my heart so that my relationship with my parents would start to improve? It took more than a while for me to realize the answer. About a week ago, I started taking care of a woman in my church who had recently had a stroke. Watching what she could do and helping her with what she can't opened my eyes up more than I thought this simple job would. So often we (and I really mean me) take for granted all of our abilities and what our loved ones are capable of until one day, they aren't there or can't do those things anymore. As I lay in my room at night, processing the events of the day, I am left thinking about my mom in particular. A few days ago, I was left wounded by a conversation with my mom. And it was in no way because of her. I was wounded because what she said was a direct hit from God to get me to wake up and realize that I wasn't TRULY wanting my heart changed. The only reason I was asking Him to change my heart was so that I could get what I wanted out of my relationship with my mom, but not put in the love, encouragement, and blessing she needs from the relationship. Too often, I have found myself blaming her for my pitfalls or my past when she has had nothing to do with them, other than try to give me a better future. Each night since, I have prayed specifically for my mom....to encourage her, lift her up, and for God's hand to be on her always. I also ask God to show me what I can do for her each day to show my appreciation for all she has done for me. While it has taken a lot longer than it should have, my wounded heart is beginning to change because I want it to for the way God sees fit. Wounds can be healed if they are not ripped open at the first opportunity. And while I have caused many a wound in my mom, it's time to cause the healing process to begin instead of ripping them open. I may only have a few months left to live with my parents, but it doesn't mean my relationships with them end when I move out. Hopefully, and with prayer and God, I can cause the relationships to begin to heal and continue to grow in hope and a relationship that my parents and I can be proud of. Because I have caused enough hurt and it's time to start helping them heal. No one is more deserving of loving, encouraging, and uplifting relationships than my parents. I love you mom and dad!

The many adventures of being a Student Intern....

All throughout college, I knew what I was studying to become....an Elementary Teacher. The first year and a half was a challenge academically, socially, and emotionally. Yet, amid all the chaos, I never gave up. During each obstacle, I wondered if God was punishing me or trying to make me give up. Through all of the trials and struggles, I have realized He has only made me stronger and more determined than ever to follow the path He has placed me on. As I reached the point of becoming a student teacher/intern, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel was finally being illuminated. It had been a long and daunting process but before long, January, 2014 had come and it was time for orientation for my student teaching semester. The semester started out wonderfully. I was thrilled to be in a kindergarten classroom and honestly, thrilled to be in my final semester of college. As the internship began, I felt like it was the best placement I could have imagined. I had a wonderful cooperating teacher, wonderful students, a wonderful support system, and I got along with the other kindergarten teachers as well. Those eight weeks went by as if it were only two weeks. The roughest part of my first rotation was when I got news my grandfather had passed away. He was a wonderful man and someone I looked up to greatly. Just this past Christmas, my parents and I had had a disagreement and I was in my grandparent's kitchen when Grandpa came up to me asking if I was sorry and wanted forgiveness. He encouraged me to talk to my mom mainly but ultimately both parents. The next day was when we left to go to our next location and I hugged Grandpa tightly and thanked him for helping me apologize and seek forgiveness. I will always remember some of his jokes with me and how kind-hearted he was. One thing he would do with me was when we would play chicken foot and I would sit next to him, he would joke telling me he thought I was cheating or looking at his dominoes. And I would sometimes pick out his 7 dominoes just to be silly and he would push them away. I drove up by myself to Oklahoma for the funeral and drove back. The drive there wasn't hard; it was the drive back. I wanted to turn around and go back to my family at Grandma's. The week after the funeral was my last week in my first rotation and I admit, I didn't want to leave. But I knew that I would be walking down the K-1 hallway at least once a day during my second rotation. And so, my second rotation began. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was making the change from kindergarten to second grade. The start was rough as I was met with some challenges. Over the course of the past few weeks, things have become a consistent schedule and I know what to expect. Spring break came a just the right time, although, I wish we were still on break. Over the break I was able to fellowship with others around Arkadelphia due to the Arkansas Spring Break through Campus Ministries. I got to know a WWII POW/MIA soldier who happened to fight in Korea as well (Just like my grandpa). I also planted a garden at a nursing home. And on the weekend, I spent my time with my family. My sister and I watched movies, talked, and had a beauty night. My mom and I had an intelligent conversation about common core and my family as a whole had a nice conversation after church on Sunday about different issues in the world over a nice home cooked meal. And now, the time has come to where there are only  26 full days of school left until graduation. The semester seems daunting and chaotic as I prepare for life in the "real world." Combine one foot in the real world, one foot at Ouachita, job searching, taking the PLT, getting certified, lesson plans, grading papers, family life, social life, and more group projects, and I am ready to be finished. However, I think I am content with staying in school and under my parents provisions as long as I can. ;) Now to prepare for senior banquet tomorrow night and finish this week. Thanks for reading!

Life as of Late

Lately I have felt my life spiraling out of control. I wish it were easy but there's no possibility for life to be easy. I feel like I am lying to so many people when I talk about how great my life is and how I love my life. Don't get me wrong, the path I am on, career wise, is exactly where I want to be.....but emotionally, I have lost all sense of reality. I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned by so many people and hung out to dry..... Today my dad told me that if I were to ever do anything to myself, one way or another, I would not be his responsibility anymore. He thought that maybe it would keep me from thinking about doing anything and I told him that it makes me think opposite of him. It made me feel like he didn't care what becomes of me. Granted, he explained himself and how he does care but that he is at peace with the decisions I make. It doesn't make anything easier. I feel an inch high when I talk with them and like I can never do anything right. Maybe I've held on to my past far too long and have brought my emotions towards my birth family into these relationships but I just have such a hard time with everything and no one seems to understand.....not even counselors. All these people are trying to "fix" me in all ways but the one I really need help with. EMOTIONALLY, I am broken. And the disorder I was diagnosed with is excluded by insurance....my counselor that I had for a few years isn't taking new patients so as much as my parents want me back with her, I can't. I can't express my emotions without being belittled and I highly doubt that God wants anything to do with me anymore. No one else does........

"I keep looking for comfort from you
I sit and wonder if your love is true
You see me crying
Inside you have to know I'm dying
Don't you see these tears
Don't you see the hurt from so many years
The little girl that was hurt so bad
Is now 20 years old and utterly sad
No one to listen or even to talk to
Recalling memories that hurt me through and through
The things you ask of me
It triggers a memory
Memories I'd rather forget
Memories embedded in my mind, completely set
The hurt, the pain and anger won't go away
I wonder who "loves me" and will turn their back today
I can't explain how I feel inside
Feelings of abandonment rush in like the tide
Ghosts haunt me no matter where I go
I do love you still, that you should know
I wish you could understand
I would be there holding your hand
I would take away all your pain
So in the end, you'd have a life to gain
But for me, darkness is all I see
No happiness for this little girl is to be
The adult lives her life
Taking on happiness, sorrow and strife
I hope someday you'll understand
Someday I hope you'll be here to comfort me and hold my hand
Until that day all I feel is punishment
Along with those never-ending feelings of abandonment"

Check out this I'm participating in...

Check out this I'm participating in... Please vote for my picture as I try to win a contest for my mom for Mother's day.

Thoughts During Spring Break

Life can be tricky.... Two days ago, I started knitting. As I look at what I'm doing, I can't figure out what it will be in the end. Both my mom and my brother have asked if I know what it will be....the answer remains "no." This  project is a lot like life. My parents mold me, I mold myself in some areas, but we don't truly know what the end result will be. We all know what we want the end to look like, but we can't know until it comes to completion. And we don't even know when completion will take place. Do I stop being molded by my parents when I move out? Maybe when I get married or have kids? I don't think we ever stop being molded by our parents in some way, shape, or form.
This week, my family has been sifting plenty of dirt for a garden plot. Even though I have talked TO my parents at church and different things, I don't think I talked WITH them. This showed when I got home and found out about our trampoline being taken down for the very garden plot we've been working on. While, at first, I thought going through and sifting dirt was a waste of time, I now think back to a passage in Matthew where Jesus talks about the seed falling on different types of paths. He talks about the farmer scattering the seeds on shallow but rocky soil. Sure, the seeds sprouted but they soon died because they did not have deep roots. And seeds planted in fertile soil produced several times the crop.
I feel like this thought applies to my life tremendously. I tend to give up very easily because thorns poke at my side or the sun is too hot or I feel helpless. Some days I feel like the Prodigal Son who runs away with everything his father gives him and then comes back because he wastes it all and wants to be his father's servant. But his father takes him in and treats him as if he were lost and has been found. I feel like my parents love me and care about me and want me. But I also know that if I were to leave, I would never be abandoned and the love would never stop. I know they will always care about me and it just may take different forms. At this point in my life, I am not ready to leave my family. I don't know if I will ever truly be ready to leave, but I know that it won't be as if I will never see them again. There will be many times I will see them! And I look forward to those times. But for now, I will live in the present and accept with open arms what my life is right now. I am loved, I am wanted, I am cared for.
This is a lot for one day's post but I haven't put one up in so long that I wanted to post what I have been thinking about. God is an amazing, unfathomable God!!! I am truly blessed!