The many adventures of being a Student Intern....

All throughout college, I knew what I was studying to become....an Elementary Teacher. The first year and a half was a challenge academically, socially, and emotionally. Yet, amid all the chaos, I never gave up. During each obstacle, I wondered if God was punishing me or trying to make me give up. Through all of the trials and struggles, I have realized He has only made me stronger and more determined than ever to follow the path He has placed me on. As I reached the point of becoming a student teacher/intern, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel was finally being illuminated. It had been a long and daunting process but before long, January, 2014 had come and it was time for orientation for my student teaching semester. The semester started out wonderfully. I was thrilled to be in a kindergarten classroom and honestly, thrilled to be in my final semester of college. As the internship began, I felt like it was the best placement I could have imagined. I had a wonderful cooperating teacher, wonderful students, a wonderful support system, and I got along with the other kindergarten teachers as well. Those eight weeks went by as if it were only two weeks. The roughest part of my first rotation was when I got news my grandfather had passed away. He was a wonderful man and someone I looked up to greatly. Just this past Christmas, my parents and I had had a disagreement and I was in my grandparent's kitchen when Grandpa came up to me asking if I was sorry and wanted forgiveness. He encouraged me to talk to my mom mainly but ultimately both parents. The next day was when we left to go to our next location and I hugged Grandpa tightly and thanked him for helping me apologize and seek forgiveness. I will always remember some of his jokes with me and how kind-hearted he was. One thing he would do with me was when we would play chicken foot and I would sit next to him, he would joke telling me he thought I was cheating or looking at his dominoes. And I would sometimes pick out his 7 dominoes just to be silly and he would push them away. I drove up by myself to Oklahoma for the funeral and drove back. The drive there wasn't hard; it was the drive back. I wanted to turn around and go back to my family at Grandma's. The week after the funeral was my last week in my first rotation and I admit, I didn't want to leave. But I knew that I would be walking down the K-1 hallway at least once a day during my second rotation. And so, my second rotation began. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was making the change from kindergarten to second grade. The start was rough as I was met with some challenges. Over the course of the past few weeks, things have become a consistent schedule and I know what to expect. Spring break came a just the right time, although, I wish we were still on break. Over the break I was able to fellowship with others around Arkadelphia due to the Arkansas Spring Break through Campus Ministries. I got to know a WWII POW/MIA soldier who happened to fight in Korea as well (Just like my grandpa). I also planted a garden at a nursing home. And on the weekend, I spent my time with my family. My sister and I watched movies, talked, and had a beauty night. My mom and I had an intelligent conversation about common core and my family as a whole had a nice conversation after church on Sunday about different issues in the world over a nice home cooked meal. And now, the time has come to where there are only  26 full days of school left until graduation. The semester seems daunting and chaotic as I prepare for life in the "real world." Combine one foot in the real world, one foot at Ouachita, job searching, taking the PLT, getting certified, lesson plans, grading papers, family life, social life, and more group projects, and I am ready to be finished. However, I think I am content with staying in school and under my parents provisions as long as I can. ;) Now to prepare for senior banquet tomorrow night and finish this week. Thanks for reading!

Life as of Late

Lately I have felt my life spiraling out of control. I wish it were easy but there's no possibility for life to be easy. I feel like I am lying to so many people when I talk about how great my life is and how I love my life. Don't get me wrong, the path I am on, career wise, is exactly where I want to be.....but emotionally, I have lost all sense of reality. I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned by so many people and hung out to dry..... Today my dad told me that if I were to ever do anything to myself, one way or another, I would not be his responsibility anymore. He thought that maybe it would keep me from thinking about doing anything and I told him that it makes me think opposite of him. It made me feel like he didn't care what becomes of me. Granted, he explained himself and how he does care but that he is at peace with the decisions I make. It doesn't make anything easier. I feel an inch high when I talk with them and like I can never do anything right. Maybe I've held on to my past far too long and have brought my emotions towards my birth family into these relationships but I just have such a hard time with everything and no one seems to understand.....not even counselors. All these people are trying to "fix" me in all ways but the one I really need help with. EMOTIONALLY, I am broken. And the disorder I was diagnosed with is excluded by insurance....my counselor that I had for a few years isn't taking new patients so as much as my parents want me back with her, I can't. I can't express my emotions without being belittled and I highly doubt that God wants anything to do with me anymore. No one else does........

"I keep looking for comfort from you
I sit and wonder if your love is true
You see me crying
Inside you have to know I'm dying
Don't you see these tears
Don't you see the hurt from so many years
The little girl that was hurt so bad
Is now 20 years old and utterly sad
No one to listen or even to talk to
Recalling memories that hurt me through and through
The things you ask of me
It triggers a memory
Memories I'd rather forget
Memories embedded in my mind, completely set
The hurt, the pain and anger won't go away
I wonder who "loves me" and will turn their back today
I can't explain how I feel inside
Feelings of abandonment rush in like the tide
Ghosts haunt me no matter where I go
I do love you still, that you should know
I wish you could understand
I would be there holding your hand
I would take away all your pain
So in the end, you'd have a life to gain
But for me, darkness is all I see
No happiness for this little girl is to be
The adult lives her life
Taking on happiness, sorrow and strife
I hope someday you'll understand
Someday I hope you'll be here to comfort me and hold my hand
Until that day all I feel is punishment
Along with those never-ending feelings of abandonment"

Check out this I'm participating in...

Check out this I'm participating in... Please vote for my picture as I try to win a contest for my mom for Mother's day.

Thoughts During Spring Break

Life can be tricky.... Two days ago, I started knitting. As I look at what I'm doing, I can't figure out what it will be in the end. Both my mom and my brother have asked if I know what it will be....the answer remains "no." This  project is a lot like life. My parents mold me, I mold myself in some areas, but we don't truly know what the end result will be. We all know what we want the end to look like, but we can't know until it comes to completion. And we don't even know when completion will take place. Do I stop being molded by my parents when I move out? Maybe when I get married or have kids? I don't think we ever stop being molded by our parents in some way, shape, or form.
This week, my family has been sifting plenty of dirt for a garden plot. Even though I have talked TO my parents at church and different things, I don't think I talked WITH them. This showed when I got home and found out about our trampoline being taken down for the very garden plot we've been working on. While, at first, I thought going through and sifting dirt was a waste of time, I now think back to a passage in Matthew where Jesus talks about the seed falling on different types of paths. He talks about the farmer scattering the seeds on shallow but rocky soil. Sure, the seeds sprouted but they soon died because they did not have deep roots. And seeds planted in fertile soil produced several times the crop.
I feel like this thought applies to my life tremendously. I tend to give up very easily because thorns poke at my side or the sun is too hot or I feel helpless. Some days I feel like the Prodigal Son who runs away with everything his father gives him and then comes back because he wastes it all and wants to be his father's servant. But his father takes him in and treats him as if he were lost and has been found. I feel like my parents love me and care about me and want me. But I also know that if I were to leave, I would never be abandoned and the love would never stop. I know they will always care about me and it just may take different forms. At this point in my life, I am not ready to leave my family. I don't know if I will ever truly be ready to leave, but I know that it won't be as if I will never see them again. There will be many times I will see them! And I look forward to those times. But for now, I will live in the present and accept with open arms what my life is right now. I am loved, I am wanted, I am cared for.
This is a lot for one day's post but I haven't put one up in so long that I wanted to post what I have been thinking about. God is an amazing, unfathomable God!!! I am truly blessed!

Feelings as of late.....

These are some poems I have found that kind of describe how I have felt this past week to give some insight into me. I act like everything is good in my life and that nothing is wrong when I talk to people. But in reality, things are spiraling. I really need some prayers.

"Some of you pretend to know me...
some of you don't care to…
close family and friends you might be...
but you still don't know ME
My Mom, my sis, they ASSUME...
yet miss by far
Love me or hate me I care not,
none of you know me
no matter WHO you are"

"I keep looking for comfort from you
I sit and wonder if your love is true
You see me crying
Inside you have to know I'm dying
Don't you see these tears
Don't you see the hurt from so many years
The little girl that was hurt so bad
Is now 19 years old and utterly sad
No one to listen or even to talk to
Recalling memories that hurt me through and through
The things you ask of me
It triggers a memory
Memories I'd rather forget
Memories embedded in my mind, completely set
The hurt, the pain and anger won't go away
I wonder who "loves me" and will turn their back today
I can't explain how I feel inside
Feelings of abandonment rush in like the tide
Ghosts haunt me no matter where I go
I do love you still, that you should know
I wish you could understand
I would be there holding your hand
I would take away all your pain
So in the end, you'd have a life to gain
But for me, darkness is all I see
No happiness for this little girl is to be
The adult lives her life
Taking on happiness, sorrow and strife
I hope someday you'll understand
Someday I hope you'll be here to comfort me and hold my hand
Until that day all I feel is punishment
Along with those never-ending feelings of abandonment"

Sunday lessons

It's been a few months since I posted last. I haven't been very consistent. Haha. This semester has gone relatively good so far. It's been a little rough being that I can't be at home as much as I'd like but it's taught me a lot. I am working at a great location. I love my job now. My mom and I are singing on the 30th and I'm so honored to be singing with someone so amazingly talented! She is my best friend and the most influential woman in my life. I am also excited about making her birthday present. I've had a lot of fun doing it. My sister got to hang out with me for a little while after church today and we had fun making pudding and talking about crazy dreams. lol 

I am half way through the semester with a 3.2 average GPA and it makes me very happy. My parents have believed in me and truly helped me succeed! Today in church we talked about wisdom and proverbs in the Bible. I got to thinking about things and how annoyed/frustrated I get by the silliest things.


1. Someone not texting me back

2. Not being able to see my mom all week

3. Comments that aren't on my facebook


And I realized that these things are really meaningless in retrospect. If I'm not sent a reply to something, maybe it's because they're busy....And with my mom, I am able to see her every Sunday and sometimes more. I sometimes forget that there are people all around me who don't see their families but once or twice a semester and I see mine every week. My dad is right on campus. And people not commenting on facebook, big deal. I was just letting stupid things bother me. With the holidays coming up, I am finding more things to look forward to and a big one is being around family. My mom's smile lightens the room and my dad's hugs are the warmest I know.....My sister can make me laugh and my brother is so tender and compassionate. I can't think of a better family. They have watched me fail so many times and still believe in me, no matter how much I rebelled. And now I really see things looking up.

So, for each blog post from now on, there will be at least one thing that I'm grateful for. And for all reading this, I pray you will see the amazing things in your life and be grateful for each of them! 

~Kelsey

Who I am is not who I've been

It's been a while since my last post and things have been crazy!!! This summer has been sort of really tough and things are shaping up to be really rough this semester at school as well. I will be headed back to school in about a week and I am somewhat not looking forward to it and to leaving my family. I am praying for God's guidance to lead me through school. As school has gotten closer, more and more has opened up, however. I will be working at the Boys and Girls Club this year and am very excited about it! I also will get to sing with one of my favorite groups Point of Grace this semester with my college choir! Certain aspects of school really excite me and others have me down in the dumps. :( But God will see me through. I have no doubt. God is the Almighty Great One!!! There is none like Him.